i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
