im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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