theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
