My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
