Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
