never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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