someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
