I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
