I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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