alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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