Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
