i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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