So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
