i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
