My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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