Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
