at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
