put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
