Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
