I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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