I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
