I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
