wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
