Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
