Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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