i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
