I can text with my tongue
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
