You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
