so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
