This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
