Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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