I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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