Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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