you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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