I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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