I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
