Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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