Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I could fuck to npr.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
