Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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