I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize