she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
