my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
