Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize