Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
