dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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