oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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