I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
