Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
