Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
