Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
