I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize