I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
