I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
