Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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