I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
