I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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