i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it's great music for shaving your balls
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
