You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
