Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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